Day 16 - March 18, 2008

jealousy...

such an easy emotion to feel. just general inadequacy, too.

i guess i've been feeling it a lot lately. i feel like i don't belong. my friends out here in California have iPhones, new cars. A few of my friends are crazy creative, and make awesome stuff. My friends back home have stuff too. skills of their own. some have emotional support systems that rock.

i just feel lacking, in all aspects of my life. my phone looks like it's been to hell and back, my car needs MAJOR work and is used, i'm not super creative, and being out here alone is making my life difficult, this jealousy doesn't help.

I mean i try to be creative, and every once in a while i can take a cool picture, every once in a while i'm totally emotionally fine for a while, every once in a while i've got something new. But overall, it doesn't seem to matter. i don't really know how to deal with these feelings.

i used to just say that all those people with money, and new cell phones, and new cars were assholes. but now i have them as friends and they're REALLY nice guys. (at least, the ones i know are) i just don't know how to deal with it. i don't buy designer, my car isn't all that great, and i'm not really all that creative. i don't even feel all that smart.

So i don't know, i guess i'm just not happy with where i am. cause i can see where i want to be. and it's ALL around me. like tantulus.

*Greek Mythology Time!*

Tantalus (the root of our word tantalizing), did something bad (who didn't lol) and was punished to an eternity of being tied to a tree.

doesn't sound too bad now does it?

this tree had delicious fruit. and there was cool, fresh water all around him up to his waist.

the downside?

whenever he reached for the water or fruit, it moved just out of his reach. he's still out there today, only getting hungrier and thirstier, but never getting to eat or drink. He can't die, he just has to live with these incredible hunger pains. forever.

and so i kind of feel like tantalus, i reach for my goals. and when i get to them, the goal has gotten greater and moved farther away.

and so i fear i will live on, always feeling just behind, or just below where i want to be.

-Brian