Day 17 - March 19, 2008

so not too long ago (maybe yesterday?) i wrote,

"i deserve nothing, and yet i receive something, and so i am eternally in debt."

and i made it the headline of my MySpace profile.

if i was to change it right now it would read,

"i have given everything to those who come to me for help. i give 100% to everyone i care about, and yet i receive nothing"

this goes back to the whole thanks issue in a way.

but it also deals with today.

one of my "friends" decided to use one of her favorite methods to try and ask me something. she sent along a friend to "test the waters". I personally didn't like it, because it was avoiding the issue, and sending the message "Brian, you're not a good enough friend and/or I don't trust you enough to not get mad at me". As well as the point that i didn't know the intent of what she wanted. normally when she goes through a friend she's asking something that she knows/thinks i wont take well. so i misread her intent and it hurt me. all she wanted was for me to call her on her birthday (something that i had already told her might be awkward for me). i probably would have done it, but it just made me feel so hurt. so disrespected. Strike 1. because she should've just asked me. i wasn't gonna get mad, i never do.

then she has the gall to just call my phone. like i'm gonna pick up!? mind you at this point i'm trying to nap away my now shitty day. some texts are exchanged and she tries to guilt trip me. just like when we were dating. Strike 2. I decide to take the battery out of my phone, and in my anger/hurt i throw both across my room. then i get up and check the mail (my t-shirt came in that i had ordered from Amazon, thanks again Doug!) and i get on AIM. so she starts assaulting me with messages, after i already told her i didn't want to talk to her (i didn't specify in what way i didn't want to, and figured that was a clear enough message that she NOT try to contact me). but she's so GREAT at interpreting texts that i receive AIM messages anyways.

im getting pissed. i logged on to talk to my good friends (the few i have), not get blasted by someone i didn't want to talk to. i told her that i am hurt and that i would unblock her when i felt like talking. she tells me not to block her. STRIKE THREE!!!!!!!. i have just been shoved into the deep end.

i said that i give my everything to those i care about, and i do. but i also give my all those times when i really lose it.

this was one of those times.

i explained to her that we're NOT dating anymore and that i will talk to her when i feel like it, among other things.

next thing i know her friend (mine as well i guess) sends me a message. i'm like, "ok".

she asks me what's up, and i give her a quick rundown. i then said (in multiple messages), "god damn it! i am a human!!!!! and a sensitive one at that." to all of this i get, "so is she".

so apparently all the reasons i blocked her are the same reasons i should talk to her. so fine, i give up. i have realized that i can never win and that i will NEVER get/have what i want. i unblocked her.

i'm just so f[rea]king done with people right now. no one seems to understand that i have feelings too. no one seems to find it possible that i could be sitting at my computer on the edge of crying right now (yes, i'm almost crying.). apparently because i'm a guy i HAVE to be nice to all girls, and i'm NOT allowed to have feelings, or if i do i can't act on them.

F[rea]king double standards.

i don't even know what to do anymore.

i would really love to just cease to exist.

cause i know now that the people around me won't all be able to appreciate me and understand me. a FEW do, but that's a small number.

and it just got smaller.

I don't feel like i belong anywhere. i feel like the world's outcast. if all the world's a stage, i must be the circus freak.

-Brian