Day 2 - March 4, 2008

ugh....

so anywho, it's the second day of my organized emotional insanity.

today i got a letter in the mail. this was no normal letter, it was a 3 PAGE letter.

And it was from my father, nothing from my father is ever normal.

His letter was in response to several emails i had sent him recently, specifically about some things he had said and had done that weren't cool. and i simply asked for an apology.

So i feel horrible, even though i saw his little attacks coming from miles away(basically little guilt trips, stemming from him acting as though he's always right and his ability to make you feel like you're bad/wrong).
I guess it doesn't matter, they still hurt. and his arrogance doesn't help. he didn't apologize for what he had done (LONG story, but the short version is he said something that wasn't cool and i told him i wouldn't talk to him until he apologized). I don't even know what to say really, i have a million things i COULD say to him and i'm trying to find the right one.

My father seems to live his life like he plays chess, strategic and well-thought out(ahead of time, of course). It works well. as long as the left hand doesn't know what the right is doing, that is. I, having lived around him for long enough (and i've played him in chess as well), can see this clear as day. and so i have to play his little game.
only problem is, he's amazingly good at acting like a cold-hearted bastard. Whether that is his true persona or not, no one knows. in any case it seems to be the perfect counter to my sensitivity. he's effectively taking away the ground i stand on for the most part. and the other problem is he's a hypocrite. BIG time. like he's practically-living-2-simultaneous-lives and he-might-have-multiple-personality-disorder big time.

That particular quality gives him a FEW advantages in the game. For one, he can act all nicey-nicey and make most people believe him when he denies being an ass. For two, he can switch it up on queue and therefore can be all nicey-nicey to lure you in and then go crazy bastard on your ass.

So now i'm part pissed, part just feeling bad. I'm gonna have to sit down and do some real thinking to give him the response that he doesn't want. I can find it, it will probably take some time though.

So now you know about my never-ending mental war with my father. i'm pretty sure he knows it. i can see through his "sincerity" like i can see through a window.

anywho, yeah just kind of a downer. On the upside i beat some more songs on Guitar Hero III (i'm trying to beat the game on expert). i beat one more song on expert (only 3 more to go) and i beat one more song on hard (Dragonforce's Through the Fire and Flames, those of you who've played know how hard that song is). but as i sit here at about 8. im pretty sure my day will end like most have recently. less than happy.

Lately i've taken to measure my emotions not as how happy i am, but how far from happiness i am. I am happy sometimes, but most of those are when i'm with my girlfriend.

-Brian