Day 9 - March 11, 2008

all i seem to do is help.

i mean it's like most people(the ones i help) don't see me for who i am, they see me as a smart guy who helps them out with stuff. there's a guy down the hall who asks me for help with his programs all the time. there's a myriad of people who ask for help more infrequently, but they seem to come to me primarily.

its like i'm not a human, i'm an automated tutor or something. they only stay in my room (or have me in theres) for as long as they need my help, then i just leave.

not that it surprises me. people seem to be so self-centered these days. and i mean unhealthily self-centered.

my own girlfriend treats me as just a friend, a very close friend, but no more really. and i'm always the one who has to lean in for the kiss, or grab her hand, or give her a hug.

It's like having a relationship with myself. i'm thinking about the saying "nice guys finish last". cause i try to be nice to everyone. and so i'm constantly walking up and down the hall to either help people write code, or update their computer, or do any of a myriad of technical oddities. i never charge, i never ask for anything. and all i ever get is a stock "thanks man".

that's like a reflex, and i can tell cause they always say it right as i'm leaving. i guess i shouldn't expect more, it's a "me" society we live in. which sucks. when people help me i make sure i tell them "thanks for helping me with this and that. it really helped me get this or that project done" (this and that being replaced with something meaningful).

but i guess thats just me, trying to be nice, again. i put myself out there for so many people in my life. and i spend a decent amount of time helping them out. and i never really get a unique thanks. i guess theres nothing i can do. im not gonna ask for thanks, cause then it's always fake.

so i guess my open question is do any of you have ideas on how i can change this pattern? while still being a decent guy? I'm striving to be a gentleman, and it's difficult, but i'll keep trying. even though it seems like society wants assholes, not gentleman. i simply don't understand it, all these girls are out there, wondering why there SO (Significant Other) is such an ass and wondering why they can't have a nice guy. thing is normally they avoided the nice guy in order to date the jerk.

and i haven't yet dated someone who truly appreciated me. i mean my last relationship came close, but she still abused my niceness. i don't hate her or anything, and she knows what she had now, but the fact is that she still didn't treat me right.

im not asking for the world. just be caring and there for me most of the time, give your half of the relationship (i.e. i shouldn't have to make every move, every time), be excited to see me (i like to know that you missed me), and talk to me (text, AIM, email, whatever it may be).

i'm sure there are finer points within those, but those are the basics. as the relationship moves along, the finer points will define themselves.

I got my birthday present from my dad today.

$200 and 2 paperback books (random Sci-Fi novels).

he tried to put thought into it, he bought Sci-Fi books, but he bought a lesser-known isaac asimov book (he was a very well-known writer in Sci-Fi) i would've preferred I, Robot. he also bought some random Sci-Fi novel by an author i've never heard of.

so there was "some" thought. i mean i'm a freaking geek, i'm not too hard to shop for. but whatever, at least he got me cash, and not 20 bad ties.


so whatever, not setting the sights high for the "big day" when i'll be "the big one-nine". and i'm glad i didn't seeing as how i got cash and books.

anywho, back to debugging code...

-Brian