An Experiment in Thought and Blogging

Days 26-29 - March 27-31, 2008

2008-03-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

A LOT has happened.

got back to SLO (long day of traveling)

went to an awesome LAN party (at one of my roomie's house)

got a "nice" email from my biological father.

right now i'm in a shitty mood, and i'd write more about it, but i'm trying to change myself by having a positive outlook, so talking about how shitty i'm feeling won't help.

-Brian

Day 25 - March 27, 2008

2008-03-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

Gotta love jazz.

So today started out pretty uneventfully. Just kinda lounging around, crocheting a little bit, and saw my mom and brother off home to MI.

Then my sister got home, and we went to an awesome jazz club in Portland.

We were just waiting for our food to come, and the band started playing.

i was totally amazed, these four older guys just started rocking out. they all donned some derivative of a smile. they all just seemed to be lost in the music they were playing. and they were amazing musicians to boot.

I couldn't help but thoroughly enjoy every minute i was there.

and so now im just veggin out in front of the TV, doing a little crocheting before i go to bed tonight.

All in all a great day.

-Brian

Day 24 - March 26, 2008

2008-03-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes friends don't end up helping.

Today started off less than amazing. Got my less than spectacular grades.

My mom, endeavoring to make me feel better, decides to get me off of my butt and takes me and my brother out to lunch. My mother and I discuss everything, and i end up feeling much better.

Then i get back, with supplies in hand to start a cool project i had found on the internet.

and then an AIM window popped up.

It was my friend, She wanted to help, and so i asked her for some advice on my current predicament.

It didn't exactly help, it made me feel worse actually. I can she what she was getting at, but her choice of words, and the way she presented her advice just made me feel worse. burdened. choiceless.

i've been trying to shake it since. I haven't been crocheting at all, i just don't feel up to it at all.

So i tell my friend that she hadn't exactly been contributing to my happiness.

And she brings the problem right back up, and gives me her advice again.

After accidentally hurting someone once, i would hope that she would know not to do it again.

but she did.

o well.

maybe tomorrow will be better.

-Brian

Day 23 - March 25, 2008

2008-03-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

I can knit?

So today wasn't ridiculously eventful.

Went to the craft store. stopped off at a dollar store close by.

I was going to buy some stuff at the craft store, but i didn't. i DID see some inspiration for things i want to make. one of which is this WAY too cool Katamari. I'm also going to make myself an Amigurumi moogle, following a good friend of mine's pattern that she adapted from a pattern she saw on the web. The pattern is on my craft blog The Adventures of Crafty Boy .

Dinner consisted of meatloaf, salad, and sweet potatoes. it was really nice to have some comfort food again. College food, while fine, gets old after a while.

In any case, today went fine, not much to be said. Other than that i feel honored to be helping my friend license her pattern.

anywho, i'm out, want to finish my DS Lite case, or at least the test patch, before i start anything else.

-Brian

Day 22 - March 24, 2008

2008-03-25T11:20:00.000-07:00

Tea is delicious.

So my mom dragged me and my brother out to a classical Chinese garden, it was very beautiful.

They had a tea house too. that's when i got excited.

So we decide to have some tea, and i figured i would introduce my mom to Jasmine Pearl green tea. It's tea leaves that have been rolled up into little balls, and then it unfurls as it brews.

It's an absolutely delicious tea, and i really enjoyed being able to just relax in a nice quiet atmosphere and have some tea, and a beautiful view.

We also had some almond cookies, and right before we left i composed one last quick shot.

Of course, i couldn't leave without some of this delicious tea. so i bought myself a nice little tin of it.

We ventured on, and visited the gift shop at the Chinese garden. I got myself a nice mug in which to drink my tea, it has a little strainer in it so i can brew my tea and then remove the leaves.

there it is, next to my tin o' tea.

all in all, it was a nice day.

i can't complain when i've got good tea.

-Brian

Day 21 - March 23, 2008

2008-03-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

and again i rise out of the pit of sadness only to be pushed back down.

yesterday was great once i got into Washington. hung out at my sister's place for a little bit, then went to my sister's boyfriend's cousin's house in Oregon. we went down to the beach where the Goonies was filmed, and i had raw oysters for the first time (they're not for me, but not horrible).

I had some great conversation as well.

this morning i awoke at a decent time, and found a Rubik's cube in my basket.

i have been messing around with it ever since. i'm a horrible nerd for not having owned one up til now, but i really want to develop an algorithm to solve it that isn't the one provided in the little solution manual.

i also got a great shirt. if any of you read XKCD (great comic online) you will recognize the compiling shirt from the store. i have it now (yes!!!).

i'm such a nerd. lol.

and i checked what grades were already in.

i have 2 B's so far.

then i decided to look at my official grade profile.

and there it is, again.

an F

in calculus II.

my heart sank, and i haven't felt good since. i know that everyone (the university as well as my parents) is judging me based on this quarter, since it will be an integral part of me being able to stay where i am.

so now i feel like crap, again.

o well.

i'm used to it now.

-Brian

Day 19 & 20 - March 21 & 22, 2008

2008-03-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

NOTE: i wrote this March 22 when i didn't have internet and am just now posting it.

Winter '08 has been given the title “Quarter of Depression”.

It has just generally sucked, not like “Oh My God!!! my entire life is falling apart at once!” sucky, but more like a “consistent stream of crap” sucky.

On the whole most of this quarter could be measured as how far away I was from being the least bit happy (I must admit, it's a shitty scale, but it's the best fit). I was, in general, being emotionally torn to pieces. this happened a grand number of ways, i'll just skim the high points (I guess they're really low points, but whatever).

I had to deal with the constant texting/calling of my then most recent ex-girlfriend.

Immediately followed by,

Super-loneliness/wallowing in self-pity.

Once I got over that,

I got myself into a relationship I wasn't ready for and that wasn't what I really wanted.

When I ended that,

I got a "nice" message from my new ex, which she took back, but what's done is done.

Which was right after,

A shitty first birthday away from home (not many people remembered/cared/said anything).

And at the end of it all,

My “friend” decided to pull some crap on her birthday, and has since said things that make me question our friendship because she hadn't told me earlier and I fear that they may interfere.

And then,
There's LAX.

The whole trip to LAX started out wonderful, one of my friends offered me a ride (thanks again!), and I had a wonderful conversation with one of the other travelers.

And seeing LA for the first time was very cool.

All this good went flying out the window when I got to LAX.

To put everything into perspective, it's 5:26 AM. I'm at LAX and writing this in OpenOffice so that I can post it whenever I get internet today (probably when I get to my sister's place in Washington).

I got to LAX at 8:30 last night. I figured “Okay! i'll just check in my bag, proceed to my gate and chill out”. oh, how naive I was. Of course, you can't check in bags until 4 hours before departure. which means I was stuck outside of security til 4 AM. There was only a few benches and a restroom (thank God for the bathroom), and a hard tile floor. Alas! upon returning from the bathroom my bench seat had been taken.

And so I began my useless attempt at knitting my DS Lite case (for details, see my craft blog, The Adventures of Crafty Boy). After I gave up on that I tried to sleep. and THAT'S when I noticed how hungry I was. Why was I starving? I hadn't eaten dinner, because my friend went to eat AFTER dropping me off. It's not his fault, just saying I had some bad luck.

And so there I lay, cold, hungry, and with a HUGE tummy ache (NEVER take TWO 5-hour energy shots on an empty stomach, NEVER, just DON'T do it).

and next thing I know my phone buzzes. it's a PIX message. I think to myself “who for the love of God sent me a random picture message?” Upon opening it I was greeted by an adorable Amigurumi Moogle (stuffed crocheted animal from Final Fantasy). I immediately remembered. “Charlotte finished it! Awesome!” and so I began to text my friend about how shitty my life currently was in traveller's hell, as I now call the LAX ticketing lobby.

so I eventually get up, and notice that the bench has been mostly vacated (should've looked earlier). so I settled into a semi-comfortable seat and slouched while listening to some tunes. I was startled by the arrival of a decent sized group of I believe Cal Poly students, all ready for Spring Break. I avoid engaging in conversation, both because of me not knowing these guys, and the point that i'm dead tired. I got MAYBE 2 hours of crap-tastic sleep total. official verdict? LAX sucks. and I haven't even left yet.

I also noticed at this point that every time I take a deep breath, when I exhale a chill runs literally from my chest to the ends of my fingers and toes. hmmm.... yet ANOTHER reason I shouldn't have had TWO 5-hour energy shots without eating anything.

So yeah, right when things were looking up, the rest of my night and start of today just threw it all back down.

-Brian

PS: i'll put up today's post a little later, i think i'm going to take a little nap.

Day 18 - March 20, 2008

2008-03-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

today was rather unspectacular.

surprisingly, i see that as a good thing.

nothing crazy happened. i went into town and picked up some yarn, and tried to feral (faire isle, is what it's really called) knit. it utilizes a technique of color changing called stranding which uses multiple different colors connected to the project at once.

feral is a great description (that's what my roomie Karl kept calling it, lol). it's quite the technique to use. especially when you're trying to use 5 different colors. (check my craft blog, The Adventures of Crafty Boy, for more details on my craft work.) i only had 3 of my 5 colors integrated into the work piece and i started getting lost in yarn.

i frogged it (took it completely apart), and i'm going to start again after i'm done with this post.

so idk. i'm just kind of chilling out and using up time knitting and relaxing for once. not really trying to tackle any of my emotional issues, just kind of avoiding everything for a while.

so i'll get back to crazy knitting and figuring out how i'm gonna get to LAX for my flight saturday morning.

If theres anything you'd like to see me add/change in my blog, let me know in a comment. i'm thinking about maybe putting my overall mood in the post title, in case anyone actually wants to subscribe to my life via RSS (that sounds funny, "i subscribe to my life's RSS").

-Brian

Day 17 - March 19, 2008

2008-03-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

so not too long ago (maybe yesterday?) i wrote,

"i deserve nothing, and yet i receive something, and so i am eternally in debt."

and i made it the headline of my MySpace profile.

if i was to change it right now it would read,

"i have given everything to those who come to me for help. i give 100% to everyone i care about, and yet i receive nothing"

this goes back to the whole thanks issue in a way.

but it also deals with today.

one of my "friends" decided to use one of her favorite methods to try and ask me something. she sent along a friend to "test the waters". I personally didn't like it, because it was avoiding the issue, and sending the message "Brian, you're not a good enough friend and/or I don't trust you enough to not get mad at me". As well as the point that i didn't know the intent of what she wanted. normally when she goes through a friend she's asking something that she knows/thinks i wont take well. so i misread her intent and it hurt me. all she wanted was for me to call her on her birthday (something that i had already told her might be awkward for me). i probably would have done it, but it just made me feel so hurt. so disrespected. Strike 1. because she should've just asked me. i wasn't gonna get mad, i never do.

then she has the gall to just call my phone. like i'm gonna pick up!? mind you at this point i'm trying to nap away my now shitty day. some texts are exchanged and she tries to guilt trip me. just like when we were dating. Strike 2. I decide to take the battery out of my phone, and in my anger/hurt i throw both across my room. then i get up and check the mail (my t-shirt came in that i had ordered from Amazon, thanks again Doug!) and i get on AIM. so she starts assaulting me with messages, after i already told her i didn't want to talk to her (i didn't specify in what way i didn't want to, and figured that was a clear enough message that she NOT try to contact me). but she's so GREAT at interpreting texts that i receive AIM messages anyways.

im getting pissed. i logged on to talk to my good friends (the few i have), not get blasted by someone i didn't want to talk to. i told her that i am hurt and that i would unblock her when i felt like talking. she tells me not to block her. STRIKE THREE!!!!!!!. i have just been shoved into the deep end.

i said that i give my everything to those i care about, and i do. but i also give my all those times when i really lose it.

this was one of those times.

i explained to her that we're NOT dating anymore and that i will talk to her when i feel like it, among other things.

next thing i know her friend (mine as well i guess) sends me a message. i'm like, "ok".

she asks me what's up, and i give her a quick rundown. i then said (in multiple messages), "god damn it! i am a human!!!!! and a sensitive one at that." to all of this i get, "so is she".

so apparently all the reasons i blocked her are the same reasons i should talk to her. so fine, i give up. i have realized that i can never win and that i will NEVER get/have what i want. i unblocked her.

i'm just so f[rea]king done with people right now. no one seems to understand that i have feelings too. no one seems to find it possible that i could be sitting at my computer on the edge of crying right now (yes, i'm almost crying.). apparently because i'm a guy i HAVE to be nice to all girls, and i'm NOT allowed to have feelings, or if i do i can't act on them.

F[rea]king double standards.

i don't even know what to do anymore.

i would really love to just cease to exist.

cause i know now that the people around me won't all be able to appreciate me and understand me. a FEW do, but that's a small number.

and it just got smaller.

I don't feel like i belong anywhere. i feel like the world's outcast. if all the world's a stage, i must be the circus freak.

-Brian

Day 16 - March 18, 2008

2008-03-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

jealousy...

such an easy emotion to feel. just general inadequacy, too.

i guess i've been feeling it a lot lately. i feel like i don't belong. my friends out here in California have iPhones, new cars. A few of my friends are crazy creative, and make awesome stuff. My friends back home have stuff too. skills of their own. some have emotional support systems that rock.

i just feel lacking, in all aspects of my life. my phone looks like it's been to hell and back, my car needs MAJOR work and is used, i'm not super creative, and being out here alone is making my life difficult, this jealousy doesn't help.

I mean i try to be creative, and every once in a while i can take a cool picture, every once in a while i'm totally emotionally fine for a while, every once in a while i've got something new. But overall, it doesn't seem to matter. i don't really know how to deal with these feelings.

i used to just say that all those people with money, and new cell phones, and new cars were assholes. but now i have them as friends and they're REALLY nice guys. (at least, the ones i know are) i just don't know how to deal with it. i don't buy designer, my car isn't all that great, and i'm not really all that creative. i don't even feel all that smart.

So i don't know, i guess i'm just not happy with where i am. cause i can see where i want to be. and it's ALL around me. like tantulus.

*Greek Mythology Time!*

Tantalus (the root of our word tantalizing), did something bad (who didn't lol) and was punished to an eternity of being tied to a tree.

doesn't sound too bad now does it?

this tree had delicious fruit. and there was cool, fresh water all around him up to his waist.

the downside?

whenever he reached for the water or fruit, it moved just out of his reach. he's still out there today, only getting hungrier and thirstier, but never getting to eat or drink. He can't die, he just has to live with these incredible hunger pains. forever.

and so i kind of feel like tantalus, i reach for my goals. and when i get to them, the goal has gotten greater and moved farther away.

and so i fear i will live on, always feeling just behind, or just below where i want to be.

-Brian

Day 15 - March 17, 2008

2008-03-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

so started low, ended high today.

started low - woke up 2/3 way through my Calc II final

ended high - rocked my Comp. Sci. final and arranged to attend a different Calc II final.

so yeah that's pretty much it.

i actually provided 3 solutions for one of the questions on my comp. sci. final. i just thought the question deserved multiple responses depending on what my instructor was looking for. :)

but yeah not to much to talk about, i'm gonna go hang out and get coffee a little later and then i'll prolly hit the sack at a decent time, just too make sure i get up at a decent hour tomorrow.

-Brian

Day 14 - March 16, 2008

2008-03-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

okay. so everything i said about my break-up going well...
...forget about it.

i just received a message on facebook saying that i'm basically an asshole. or at least thats what it infers. She says she's having a hard time with all of this, and i can understand that to a point, but i think that the "hey let's just dump all of our emotions on Brian in a very negative way" message isn't the best way to deal with it. A simple "hey you hurt me" would've sufficed.

but then again this is nothing new, when i broke up with Lauren (my ex before all of this), i got a "lovely" stream of texts that she's now sorry for (and we're also able to be friends).

The way it sounds with this girl, she was just trying to reciprocate the hurt back onto me. even though our relationship was short, apparently she was very emotionally attached (which she never expressed to me through her actions). the odd thing is that towards the end she put in the things that she liked about me (there were quite a few). The attacks were things she never cared about during the relationship "you never really took me out on a date", "you seem to have a problem with confronting issues", etc.

so basically now im an ass for listening to my feelings and getting out of a relationship that didn't feel right to me. i didn't want to lead her on and then break it off later, i figured doing it now was best for everyone.

but apparently i'm the worst thing to ever happen to the dating world and i'm an inconsiderate ass who doesn't communicate, and can't solve problems.

just to illustrate the problems inherent to the relationship i really don't feel any remorse. i know that i'm in a period of my life where i need to stop trying to make everyone else happy all the time and make myself happy every once in a while. and this relationship wasn't making me truly happy.

there was just a feeling of uncomfortability, because i was making all the moves and she was deciding if she was comfortable with them i felt like i was being constantly judged. i was afraid that if i did something she wasn't comfortable with she would think i was pushy, but if i didnt do anything then our relationship would never get anywhere. it was a lose-lose.

so all of these petty attacks are something i've seen time and time again. instead of taking the high road and just sucking it up and moving on, shes dragging out the process and making it more painful for herself.

i was dumped after 2 months of going out, i didn't say a damn thing. i told the girl i was dating at the time that i wish we could still be together and then left her alone and moved on.

so whatever, when shes ready to be civil and treat me like a friend thats fine with me, but until then i'm not talking to her. she even says what she liked about me, but all those things, she never told me any of that while we were dating. doing that could've changed things. shes blaming me for not communicating? she didn't do much talking herself. she texted me like twice, otherwise all the text conversations were started by me. and she never indicated through actions or words how attached she was getting. as far as i knew she enjoyed kissing and that when i dumped her i was saving both of us from future hurt. but whatever.

btw, sry Doug. i was tired last night cause i was up til 3 the previous night. wish i would've been up for you. you've done so much good for me that you deserve it.

well everybody, i'm gonna call this post done (no more edits, i swear)

-Brian

Day 13 - March 15, 2008

2008-03-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

well i ended last night well.

went out for coffee and smokes with my friends to celebrate the end of the quarter (i'm a cigar smoker). which was very enjoyable.

and today i didn't do much, so there aren't any cool stories or anything.

my break-up went well. surprisingly. no real animosity or anything, but then again it wasn't a long relationship. i didn't really feel any emotional attachment, i guess the chemistry just wasn't there.

so ladies, i'm single again!

yeah, thats just a bad joke. i'm pretty da[r]n sure no ladies out there are all excited that i'm available. Which doesn't help my self-confidence. i've noticed that the ladies seem to have the relationship control in this society. With a few exceptions, the guys are chasing the girls. Which means the ladies get to pick-and-choose. so i guess im getting picked later rather than earlier. idk. the whole dating world seems a little screwed up. i mean the primary means of socializing seems to be partying, which isn't my personal favorite (i'd prefer to keep my inhibitions and control of my body and the law). so what is a sensitive guy with morals to do? post answers in the comments if you got any.

[drastic change of subject, due to most of everything above this line being written after everything below and i'm just random]

what i don't get is why some people have to say sorry like a bazillion times when they do something on accident that you're not comfortable with. just say sorry once and move on, it's no big deal and it's [expletive removed] annoying when they keep bringing up whatever it was they did that made you feel uncomfortable or hurt in the first place. it only makes it worse.

don't worry, i'm the one who put the expletive removed there. lol self-censorship. In case you guys didn't know, you can subscribe to me via RSS (theres a link on the bottom of this page). and you can comment even if you don't have a blogger account.

so i guess you guys can post your day in the comments or ask me a question, anything you want. i'll get up early-ish tomorrow and post some comments/answers whatever makes sense.

my whole idea is to provide ways for you guys(and gals), my readers, to interact and be a part of this blog. i may be the one who can write new posts, but i'm certainly not the wisest/smartest person out there, and it's nice to see what other people have to say. so let me know what you think!

[and now, even more randomness (lol this is my 2nd edit of this post)]

it's funny how sometimes coming back to something you liked so long ago you find that you love it. I've been playing a decent amount of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance today, it's fun!
just can't beat that turn-based combat.

-Brian

Day 12 - March 14, 2008

2008-03-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

it's funny how things happen sometimes.

so i'm in GameStop cause i decided i wanted to buy myself a copy of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance since i had lost the original copy i owned a long time ago.

and then i see the DS lites and remembering that i have birthday money i decide i want to get one. so i ask the guy how much trading in my old DS would get me. he says $40 store credit.

so i'm like "ok cool" and i'm walking around the store talking to my friend about how i'll have to go back to GameStop sometime with my old DS to trade it in.

Then some other people who were in the store asked me if i was looking to sell my DS. i said, "yeah, it's time i get a DS lite". so they offer to buy it off of me, with MarioKart DS (which i don't play anymore) for $60. i figure sure, sounds good. i get to buy my DS lite now, i get more money for my old DS, and they get a DS and a game for a better price than GameStop was going to charge them.

so cool, i'm gonna work on making a case for it out of microfiber (makes the case one big screen cleaner).

it's cool how things just work out sometimes, i went in looking for an old gameboy game and i come out with a new DS and i make someone else happy.

so today's been good, but i'm dreading ending things with my gf, just cause i'm not big on confrontations.

i'll keep ya posted.
-Brian

Day 11 - March 13, 2008

2008-03-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

to my credit, i just started writing and it is 11:58 (thank you, technicality!)

so today was my birf-a-day (yes i really do say it that way sometimes).

it started out a little off, with some excessive commenting on my social networking profiles from one person in particular.

it made me feel like she thought i had no friends.

and then my father came into the picture, making things only get worse.
He acted like he had done absolutely nothing wrong and everything was just fine between us.

things started to get better when more comments came rolling in (lots of my friends stopped by to wish me a happy birthday). one of my good friends back in michigan even got me a gift (thanks again) which was too kind and made me feel very special and appreciated. my girlfriend made me a little glass penguin, and so he will sit on my desk. my mom sent me food and money (what more does a college student need?)

i never did smoke a cigar, but i might take the time to do so tomorrow(better late than never).

i went to my meeting wih my english group for our presentation tomorrow and once they discovered my birthday they were very enthusiastic about making sure i felt special.

i didn't do anything special (and no one really asked me to) so i guess i wish that had happened. but on the whole the day was enjoyable, and i feel special again (there are a few people who didnt wish me a happy b-day who i thought should have, but there's nothing i can do about that.)

all-in-all today was good, not the most special birthday (and to be honest, 19 isn't a big birthday). there were some things that could've been better, but i can't complain(well i can, but it dont get me no wheres).

-Brian

Day 10 - March 12, 2008

2008-03-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

ehh....

today's been up and down.

and it was only up cause i got a perfect score on my lab and got a compliment from my comp. sci. professor. and i thought up a new beat.

*back story time!*
so i've been playing drums since 6th grade. it was more my dad's thing (aka i had a passing interest and he pushed me into it). i did enjoy it, it's just that he was always on me about it. finally one day i sold my drum set (i had gotten it for christmas a few years before) for car parts.
but once you get into drumming it sticks with you, you tap out the beat to every song you hear, play along with your favorite bands, or just mess around in class.

and so i sat in psych, synthesizing beats. i came up with something i think sounds cool, and i'm gonna try and recreate it on my computer, but that all depends on my patience with the software. (i'd LOVE to just hook up some drum pads and play the beat, but i don't have any.)

so eh, whatever, nothing too special going on, just my life, as usual.

-Brian

Day 9 - March 11, 2008

2008-03-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

all i seem to do is help.

i mean it's like most people(the ones i help) don't see me for who i am, they see me as a smart guy who helps them out with stuff. there's a guy down the hall who asks me for help with his programs all the time. there's a myriad of people who ask for help more infrequently, but they seem to come to me primarily.

its like i'm not a human, i'm an automated tutor or something. they only stay in my room (or have me in theres) for as long as they need my help, then i just leave.

not that it surprises me. people seem to be so self-centered these days. and i mean unhealthily self-centered.

my own girlfriend treats me as just a friend, a very close friend, but no more really. and i'm always the one who has to lean in for the kiss, or grab her hand, or give her a hug.

It's like having a relationship with myself. i'm thinking about the saying "nice guys finish last". cause i try to be nice to everyone. and so i'm constantly walking up and down the hall to either help people write code, or update their computer, or do any of a myriad of technical oddities. i never charge, i never ask for anything. and all i ever get is a stock "thanks man".

that's like a reflex, and i can tell cause they always say it right as i'm leaving. i guess i shouldn't expect more, it's a "me" society we live in. which sucks. when people help me i make sure i tell them "thanks for helping me with this and that. it really helped me get this or that project done" (this and that being replaced with something meaningful).

but i guess thats just me, trying to be nice, again. i put myself out there for so many people in my life. and i spend a decent amount of time helping them out. and i never really get a unique thanks. i guess theres nothing i can do. im not gonna ask for thanks, cause then it's always fake.

so i guess my open question is do any of you have ideas on how i can change this pattern? while still being a decent guy? I'm striving to be a gentleman, and it's difficult, but i'll keep trying. even though it seems like society wants assholes, not gentleman. i simply don't understand it, all these girls are out there, wondering why there SO (Significant Other) is such an ass and wondering why they can't have a nice guy. thing is normally they avoided the nice guy in order to date the jerk.

and i haven't yet dated someone who truly appreciated me. i mean my last relationship came close, but she still abused my niceness. i don't hate her or anything, and she knows what she had now, but the fact is that she still didn't treat me right.

im not asking for the world. just be caring and there for me most of the time, give your half of the relationship (i.e. i shouldn't have to make every move, every time), be excited to see me (i like to know that you missed me), and talk to me (text, AIM, email, whatever it may be).

i'm sure there are finer points within those, but those are the basics. as the relationship moves along, the finer points will define themselves.

I got my birthday present from my dad today.

$200 and 2 paperback books (random Sci-Fi novels).

he tried to put thought into it, he bought Sci-Fi books, but he bought a lesser-known isaac asimov book (he was a very well-known writer in Sci-Fi) i would've preferred I, Robot. he also bought some random Sci-Fi novel by an author i've never heard of.

so there was "some" thought. i mean i'm a freaking geek, i'm not too hard to shop for. but whatever, at least he got me cash, and not 20 bad ties.

so whatever, not setting the sights high for the "big day" when i'll be "the big one-nine". and i'm glad i didn't seeing as how i got cash and books.

anywho, back to debugging code...

-Brian

Days 7 & 8 - March 9 & 10, 2008

2008-03-10T18:37:00.001-07:00

oops.

yeah, i've noticed that when i promise to do something i'm actually less likely to remember.

but anywho, my days are/were fine. cranked out some awesome shell script beauty today (i dont know what it is, but shell scripting is addicting.)

im tired, its REALLY hot in my dorm room, and im thinking (hint, hint...BAD COMBO)

i'm thinking about my relationship(s). i guess im making the mistake of comparing my current relationship to my previous one(s). i dont know, i guess i want something a little different? or i think i do? im wondering how this is all gonna fold out, and i guess that feels kinda weird.

o well, i guess the answer will come in time.

been trying to beat guitar hero III on expert (BAD IDEA, lol)
3 songs left (including the final battle) and im stuck. with the heat outside and what-not i'm not very motivated either.

eh well. i may or may not post tomorrow (watch, now i'll do it, lol).

-Brian

PS: my birthday is thursday, decided it wasn't important enough to make the main text / i'm deliberately not getting excited. i figure if i dont expect any special treatment whatever i get will be good.

Days 5 & 6 - March 7 & 8, 2008

2008-03-08T13:15:00.001-08:00

not much went on yesterday, and blogger likes to randomly not work (damn blogger).

o well. In any case, turned in my lab on friday and learned about the international obfuscated C code contest. if you're a coder, and you've written a program or 2 in C, it's definitely worth checking out. The people who write these things must be coding sadists, kind of like code testers (no offense). the sheer inability for me to understand more than maybe the first few lines is awe-inspiring. definitely worth a look-see.

I spent most of last night helping people. one of my roomies needed a shirt washed, so i put it in my laundry. one of the guys down the hall needed programming guidance, and i've been his go-to guy all quarter. so i made 3 or 4 runs down to his room and back. i was helping one of my friends who's having a tough time with people who are bothering her. so go figure i didn't get yesterday's post out (sorry). i'm going over to my girlfriend's dorm soon, and depending on whether i feel like it or not i may/may not make a second post today.

i guess i didn't post cause i was devoid of inspiration, i still am. i think this is the shortest post so far.

anywho, i promise i'll get a post out tomorrow.

-Brian

Day 4 - March 6, 2008

2008-03-06T15:55:00.001-08:00

I have an addiction...

to technical books. (didn't expect that one now, did ya ^__^ ) I've checked out 3 from my university's library alone. 2 on embedded systems and VHDL (Verilog Hardware Description Language) one on shell scripting (Linux programming, in a way).

I guess it's just that i love learning about this kind of stuff. and then i always want to use it for something. totally explains my 8086 project (im building a computer with one of the oldest processors known).

today's been fine so far, i can't complain.

i'm talking to my ex, we've been just chatting as friends. but i dont know, it feels weird sometimes. i guess its like on and off days. sometimes i feel like shes just saying stuff to get attention, or to keep the conversation going. normally when a conversation dies, i let it and just move on. i don't know.

and it must be having an effect, cause i feel tired now.

i just wanna crawl up and go to sleep in my bed for some reason.

i think instead im gonna put up an away message and just read.

i guess i'll just have to see how the rest of my day goes, it started out pretty awesome.

-Brian

Day 3 - March 5, 2008

2008-03-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

Apparently people like to watch me code.

So, I'm sitting in the computer lab with the rest of my CSC 101 class (intro to comp. sci.).
to my right is my girlfriend, and next to her is another friend.

I'm writing this week's lab assignment. just going about my business, managing 2 different terminal windows on my laptop, both of which are connected to the school's server (via SSH).

I'm going in and out of files, updating and modifying an old project to make it fit this week's lab with minimal changes. just doing my normal everyday thing.

as the class comes to a close, my girlfriend makes a comment. "I love to watch him code, he's so fast" she says. "It's like watching someone who's good at Guitar Hero." she adds. Our friend replies, "yeah, and he's so confident about what he's writing."

This surprised me. i'm in 101 cause i failed 108 last quarter (it was 2 courses combined into one, an insane amount of work). I've been writing code for a while now, and am familiar with C and Java. I guess since it's something i do everyday, i don't feel spectacularly special for being able to do it.

Oddly enough, my CSC 101 professor also held me back after lecture today. He told me that he knows someone who recruits students from my university to do work for him, with Amazon. My professor was asking my permission to recommend me to this guy! Of course, i said yes and indicated that i felt honored. My professor said that this guy only hires when he needs people, and likes to take people with promise and give them a real job in the industry. So it's not a guaranteed job, but my name is getting out to people in the industry and one of my professors recognizes my potential.

So if i wasn't in a good enough of a mood already, i am now!!!

NOTE: lab is after lecture, but for some reason i typed this up in reverse chronological order.

So in conclusion today has been great, i also have been invited to a dinner with some of my good friends tonight which is always fun.

they say third time's the charm. i guess it just happened to be so for me today!

^__^

-Brian

Day 2 - March 4, 2008

2008-03-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

ugh....

so anywho, it's the second day of my organized emotional insanity.

today i got a letter in the mail. this was no normal letter, it was a 3 PAGE letter.

And it was from my father, nothing from my father is ever normal.

His letter was in response to several emails i had sent him recently, specifically about some things he had said and had done that weren't cool. and i simply asked for an apology.

So i feel horrible, even though i saw his little attacks coming from miles away(basically little guilt trips, stemming from him acting as though he's always right and his ability to make you feel like you're bad/wrong).
I guess it doesn't matter, they still hurt. and his arrogance doesn't help. he didn't apologize for what he had done (LONG story, but the short version is he said something that wasn't cool and i told him i wouldn't talk to him until he apologized). I don't even know what to say really, i have a million things i COULD say to him and i'm trying to find the right one.

My father seems to live his life like he plays chess, strategic and well-thought out(ahead of time, of course). It works well. as long as the left hand doesn't know what the right is doing, that is. I, having lived around him for long enough (and i've played him in chess as well), can see this clear as day. and so i have to play his little game.
only problem is, he's amazingly good at acting like a cold-hearted bastard. Whether that is his true persona or not, no one knows. in any case it seems to be the perfect counter to my sensitivity. he's effectively taking away the ground i stand on for the most part. and the other problem is he's a hypocrite. BIG time. like he's practically-living-2-simultaneous-lives and he-might-have-multiple-personality-disorder big time.

That particular quality gives him a FEW advantages in the game. For one, he can act all nicey-nicey and make most people believe him when he denies being an ass. For two, he can switch it up on queue and therefore can be all nicey-nicey to lure you in and then go crazy bastard on your ass.

So now i'm part pissed, part just feeling bad. I'm gonna have to sit down and do some real thinking to give him the response that he doesn't want. I can find it, it will probably take some time though.

So now you know about my never-ending mental war with my father. i'm pretty sure he knows it. i can see through his "sincerity" like i can see through a window.

anywho, yeah just kind of a downer. On the upside i beat some more songs on Guitar Hero III (i'm trying to beat the game on expert). i beat one more song on expert (only 3 more to go) and i beat one more song on hard (Dragonforce's Through the Fire and Flames, those of you who've played know how hard that song is). but as i sit here at about 8. im pretty sure my day will end like most have recently. less than happy.

Lately i've taken to measure my emotions not as how happy i am, but how far from happiness i am. I am happy sometimes, but most of those are when i'm with my girlfriend.

-Brian

My crazy idea and mission.

2008-03-03T00:46:00.000-08:00

So, here i sit.

In front of my computer.

just like EVERY other day.

I check my Myspace, check my Facebook, refresh my Gmail inbox.

nothing.

i'm talking to people online, the few(2-3) who seem to be able to talk to me without insulting me in one way or another.

And I'm thinking, "There must be more people like me out there. more people who, for lack of a better word, are sensitive." now i don't mean you-get-a-cut-and-go-running-to-mommy sensitive, i mean you-express-your-emotions sensitive.

So here's my idea. I'm going to post as least once-a-day (some of the more emotionally-charged days will get more posts) for a whole year. just whatever is on my mind.
Even if no one reads it, at least i got my thoughts out. there might be some invitation for further thought as well. And you're ALWAYS free to leave me a comment.

A little background info on me, and then my first post.

I'm a Freshman studying Computer Engineering.
I crochet, knit, cross stitch, sew, take photos, design circuits, and work on my car.
I was raised (for the most part) by my mother and two sisters, and so i have immense respect towards women, and i try and be a gentleman.
I'm also sensitive. which is a blessing. and a curse.

Now i'm sure you're thinking "Wow! what a well-rounded guy, how could he possibly see his sensitivity as a problem?"
How did i call it? cause that's what everyone always says to me.

In the straight dude community, no one seems to be sensitive, apparently society doesn't want man to be sensitive. but that's a quality that many women look for.

FIRST POST March 3, 2008 - Day 1

So if i'm having a crappy day who can i turn to? Who notices my body language and bad mood? my straight friends? nope. now my gay friends will pick up on all this right away, but they're few and far between. and i have a FEW good female friends that i can talk to. the problem is, all of the people i can talk to live some distance away, thereby limiting my ability to contact them and their ability to help me out.

Something i'm beginning to have a love-hate relationship with is social networking sites.
MySpace. Facebook. i have a profile on both and feel slightly more hate towards the latter.

On MySpace, in case you're not familiar with it, there is no way to see what other people are doing, or whos' profiles they've commented on.

Facebook on the other hand, has this little information smorgasboard called the news feed.
when i get an email from Facebook, normally its nothing, just my friends firing back and forth messages on something called a thread.

Other times, it's somebody actually stopping by my profile for a whole 5 seconds or more and leaving me a comment or something.

now, i leave my desktop computer on, and throughout the day i take a good ol' gander at the news feed. i see comment after video upload after picture comment after given gift, all make their way down to the bottom of the feed.

my only problem is, i seem to be getting about .001% of the activity i see on the feed. I've watched friends of mine have comment conversations that last days with all the back and forth. I've seen people upload a picture and almost instantly get tons of comments. i could almost condense all this information into a neat-looking graph of activity.

and my profile.... well it gets the occasional stop-by. and maybe one of my gay friends will decide to look at my new pictures. but the majority of my friends??? i'm pretty sure i could delete my profile and they wouldn't notice.

i have a habit of setting my status to how i feel. this causes such things as "Brian is meh." and "Brian is wallowing in self-pity." and "Brian is wondering what life is all about." among MANY others. of course, even though these changes get posted to the feed, NO ONE notices. ever. i never get a "hey, sorry to hear your day sucks" comment.

And so these "social networking" sites seem to just make me feel more miserable (my MySpace gets an equally lackluster amount of traffic).

And so i hold out for those days when people do come on my profile. as few and far between as they are. I guess i'm used to it now. Today isn't too great so far. i wasn't in a great mood yesterday, and today is lookin a little better, but not much. That's the other thing you'll get by reading this. a heavy dosage of diary-esque emotions. i don't have many outlets, and im hoping to make this one of them. i'll see if it helps i guess. if i keep it up for a year, who knows?

-Brian